“Lack of patience in small matters can create havoc in great ones.” - Chinese proverb
You never help around the house! You never tell me you love me! Why are you always late! You never listen to me! You always complain about everything! You will never be any good at anything!
Yes the bold and exclamation points in the words above were intentional as I wanted to get your attention. When was the last time you heard or used one of the phrases, or a variation, above? Can you remember what you were feeling at the time or maybe the situation?
Always and never are referred to as absolutes. Politicians like to refer to them as sweeping generalizations. I consider always and never a measure of time, a very long time. I’ve seen some references in books to calling statements with always and never (with the exceptions of use in the math and science world) as just lies.
In most cases I’ve experienced where I used or was the receiver of absolutes, the words typically lead to some type of challenge or confrontation. Even when you are supposedly joking and say something like “you never buy me a beer”, there is an underlying jab in there and the other party will pick up on it. I can assure you they will indeed pull out the date and or time when they did buy you a beer.
“Never is a long time.” I use that response often in the presence of absolutes. I can tell you what goes on in my head when I hear an absolute – ok, so in the entire time you have known me, I have always or never done or said insert subject. Absolutes invoke a defensive stance for me, and I’m pretty sure they do the same in everyone else. Knowing that is my traditional response, I work to catch myself then attempt to step back and try to understand why the absolute statement is being made. What’s going on in the sender’s head and heart to make a sweeping generalization like that? I find that taking the pause and stepping out of my boots and into the sender’s boots typically gets me to the real reason for the absolutes. Understanding why the sender used the absolutes helps me become a better communicator, and being a better communicator makes me more gooder.
You never help around the house! You never tell me you love me! Why are you always late! You never listen to me! You always complain about everything! You will never be any good at anything!
Yes the bold and exclamation points in the words above were intentional as I wanted to get your attention. When was the last time you heard or used one of the phrases, or a variation, above? Can you remember what you were feeling at the time or maybe the situation?
Always and never are referred to as absolutes. Politicians like to refer to them as sweeping generalizations. I consider always and never a measure of time, a very long time. I’ve seen some references in books to calling statements with always and never (with the exceptions of use in the math and science world) as just lies.
In most cases I’ve experienced where I used or was the receiver of absolutes, the words typically lead to some type of challenge or confrontation. Even when you are supposedly joking and say something like “you never buy me a beer”, there is an underlying jab in there and the other party will pick up on it. I can assure you they will indeed pull out the date and or time when they did buy you a beer.
“Never is a long time.” I use that response often in the presence of absolutes. I can tell you what goes on in my head when I hear an absolute – ok, so in the entire time you have known me, I have always or never done or said insert subject. Absolutes invoke a defensive stance for me, and I’m pretty sure they do the same in everyone else. Knowing that is my traditional response, I work to catch myself then attempt to step back and try to understand why the absolute statement is being made. What’s going on in the sender’s head and heart to make a sweeping generalization like that? I find that taking the pause and stepping out of my boots and into the sender’s boots typically gets me to the real reason for the absolutes. Understanding why the sender used the absolutes helps me become a better communicator, and being a better communicator makes me more gooder.
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