17 seconds is the new statistic I ran across last week. Can you guess what 17 seconds represents? Unfortunately, it represents the average time before someone interrupts during a conversation. If you are interrupting, you’re really not listening to the other person. We all do it. For me, I get the urge to jump in when someone says something that triggers a thought in my head. My pesky brain thinks “oh I need to say….” I caught myself jumping in on a conversation with Laura yesterday in her office. She did the right thing: “no, go ahead.” That was the right response as it flagged me that I had jumped in. I use a similar tool on people that jump in on me. I just stop talking. They catch it and typically say “what?” I respond well you interrupted so I wanted to let you finish before I continued.
In all fairness, there are times when it is ok to jump in. If you are brainstorming or building a comedy pyramid, you have to jump in. That’s what those exercises are designed to do. For one on one conversation though, focus on the other person. Their words are important. Becoming a total listener takes practice. To be a total listener, do the following:
1. Maintain good eye contact.
2. Lean slightly forward.
3. Reinforce the speaker by nodding and paraphrasing.
4. Clarify by asking questions.
5. Actively move away from distractions.
6. Be committed, even if you’re angry or upset, to understanding what was said.
Let’s work on changing that pesky 17 second statistic. Do an internal pause the next time you feel the urge to jump in on someone’s words. If someone jumps in on yours, do them a favor and stop talking. They will catch on. I think the following sums it all up.
Listening is an essential skill for making and keeping relationships. If you are a good listener, you will notice others are drawn to you. Friends confide in you and your friendships deepen. Success comes easier because you hear and understand people: you know what they want and what hurts or irritates them. You get “lucky” breaks because people appreciate you and want you around.
Listening is a commitment and a compliment. It is a commitment to understanding how other people feel, how they see the world. It means putting aside your own prejudices and beliefs, your anxieties and self-interest, so that you can step behind the other person’s eyes. You try to look at things from his or her perspective. Listening is a compliment because it says to the other person” I care about what’s happening to you, your life and your experience are important.” People usually respond to the compliment of listening by liking and appreciating you.
In all fairness, there are times when it is ok to jump in. If you are brainstorming or building a comedy pyramid, you have to jump in. That’s what those exercises are designed to do. For one on one conversation though, focus on the other person. Their words are important. Becoming a total listener takes practice. To be a total listener, do the following:
1. Maintain good eye contact.
2. Lean slightly forward.
3. Reinforce the speaker by nodding and paraphrasing.
4. Clarify by asking questions.
5. Actively move away from distractions.
6. Be committed, even if you’re angry or upset, to understanding what was said.
Let’s work on changing that pesky 17 second statistic. Do an internal pause the next time you feel the urge to jump in on someone’s words. If someone jumps in on yours, do them a favor and stop talking. They will catch on. I think the following sums it all up.
Listening is an essential skill for making and keeping relationships. If you are a good listener, you will notice others are drawn to you. Friends confide in you and your friendships deepen. Success comes easier because you hear and understand people: you know what they want and what hurts or irritates them. You get “lucky” breaks because people appreciate you and want you around.
Listening is a commitment and a compliment. It is a commitment to understanding how other people feel, how they see the world. It means putting aside your own prejudices and beliefs, your anxieties and self-interest, so that you can step behind the other person’s eyes. You try to look at things from his or her perspective. Listening is a compliment because it says to the other person” I care about what’s happening to you, your life and your experience are important.” People usually respond to the compliment of listening by liking and appreciating you.
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