CA
“Compassion is the keen awareness of the interdependence of all things.” Thomas Merton
Today’s TOD was written by our West Coast Correspondent, Sue Stenberg. Thanks, Sue.
A few days ago, you wrote about “keeping score” in relationships. It’s been rolling around in my head ever since. A big part of why we “put up with crap for so many years” is related to CA - “Conflict Avoidance”. We want to avoid a fight or confrontation – so we just try to ignore the “crap" – and not get into a fight – or make a scene. But then, after a period of time, the scorecard becomes lopsided. Conflicts that may have been easily resolved at one time have a way of building up to a point that irreparable harm is done to the relationship. This is true with spouses, family, friends, in the workplace – all types of relationships. You said, and I strongly agree: “If we would talk about it as it was happening, the score keeping would be kept to a minimum. Skip the score keeping and get to communicating.”
I lost a friendship this way. We’d been good friends for a number of years – and I decided to go on vacation with her…something that can test any friendship. We just happened to be in the UK during a terrorist attack two years ago. I learned long ago that when you travel, there will be situations that crop up that are beyond your control. At these times, you just have to “roll with it” and get through it as best you can. My friend behaved differently. She wanted to take control of a situation that we had no control over. In the process, she became frustrated and began giving off negative energy which impacted the rest of us in a less than positive way. I recognized that it was the situation that had brought this on, and chose to keep my mouth shut. At the time, I planned to deal with it after we returned home. I didn’t want to make waves at a difficult time. This was a big mistake on my part. The negative energy continued, and at some point toward the end of the trip, the scorecard became too lopsided and unbalanced. I finally realized that I no longer wanted to be her friend. Nothing could make me change my mind. I was done. But I wonder if things would have been different if I’d chosen to confront the conflict at the time?
I've seen marriages dissolve in similar fashion – over a period of years. Minor irritations and “digs” build up – until one person has simply had enough – and the relationship is irreparable. I have a friend going through a divorce now – and while I believe she is doing the right thing, I can’t help but wonder if the relationship could have been preserved if conflict had been confronted in a constructive way – and if there had been better communication. There’s that magic word again: “communication”.
Action item: the next time you feel conflict in a relationship; try to respectfully communicate how the action or words make you feel. Open up a discussion and get the conflict out in the open. Work in a positive way to resolve it – or at least to make the other person aware of how you feel. Keep the scorecard evenly balanced at zero to zero.
POSITIVE NEWS
Fun Stuff
I got in 160 miles on the new Harley yesterday running around and tasting fine bvgs with Richard.
“Compassion is the keen awareness of the interdependence of all things.” Thomas Merton
Today’s TOD was written by our West Coast Correspondent, Sue Stenberg. Thanks, Sue.
A few days ago, you wrote about “keeping score” in relationships. It’s been rolling around in my head ever since. A big part of why we “put up with crap for so many years” is related to CA - “Conflict Avoidance”. We want to avoid a fight or confrontation – so we just try to ignore the “crap" – and not get into a fight – or make a scene. But then, after a period of time, the scorecard becomes lopsided. Conflicts that may have been easily resolved at one time have a way of building up to a point that irreparable harm is done to the relationship. This is true with spouses, family, friends, in the workplace – all types of relationships. You said, and I strongly agree: “If we would talk about it as it was happening, the score keeping would be kept to a minimum. Skip the score keeping and get to communicating.”
I lost a friendship this way. We’d been good friends for a number of years – and I decided to go on vacation with her…something that can test any friendship. We just happened to be in the UK during a terrorist attack two years ago. I learned long ago that when you travel, there will be situations that crop up that are beyond your control. At these times, you just have to “roll with it” and get through it as best you can. My friend behaved differently. She wanted to take control of a situation that we had no control over. In the process, she became frustrated and began giving off negative energy which impacted the rest of us in a less than positive way. I recognized that it was the situation that had brought this on, and chose to keep my mouth shut. At the time, I planned to deal with it after we returned home. I didn’t want to make waves at a difficult time. This was a big mistake on my part. The negative energy continued, and at some point toward the end of the trip, the scorecard became too lopsided and unbalanced. I finally realized that I no longer wanted to be her friend. Nothing could make me change my mind. I was done. But I wonder if things would have been different if I’d chosen to confront the conflict at the time?
I've seen marriages dissolve in similar fashion – over a period of years. Minor irritations and “digs” build up – until one person has simply had enough – and the relationship is irreparable. I have a friend going through a divorce now – and while I believe she is doing the right thing, I can’t help but wonder if the relationship could have been preserved if conflict had been confronted in a constructive way – and if there had been better communication. There’s that magic word again: “communication”.
Action item: the next time you feel conflict in a relationship; try to respectfully communicate how the action or words make you feel. Open up a discussion and get the conflict out in the open. Work in a positive way to resolve it – or at least to make the other person aware of how you feel. Keep the scorecard evenly balanced at zero to zero.
POSITIVE NEWS
Fun Stuff
I got in 160 miles on the new Harley yesterday running around and tasting fine bvgs with Richard.
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