But That's Not What I Meant

Do you know the breakdown for the components of communication?

Communication is 55% body language 38% tone and only 7% words.

Weekly, I hear about instances where people got into a tiff with someone else over stupid texting or email.  The thing about texting is that I can interpret it any way I want to, as I cannot see the other person’s expressions, hear their tone or see their body language. Therefore, when 93% of any dialog is missing, it is quite easy to see how things end up in a tiff or get misunderstood.   

There is a communication technique called mirrored listening. The purpose of mirrored listening is to help people learn how to communicate better through listening, minimizing interpretation, and learning to process the tone, body language, and words.  It’s the classic example of the, what I said vs. what you heard game.  Unfortunately, we are a selfish lot and our brains start processing the dialog as soon as it’s out there and it typically has the “how does this impact ME filter in active mode.”  It takes practice to stand down from making it all about me and learning to listen to the whole communication dialog before responding. 

Here is an easy example of non-mirrored listening.

He Says - I’m pissed

She Hears/Says - (But before he can finish his sentence) What did I do to piss you off.

He Hears/Says - (In a defensive tone) I didn’t say I was pissed off at you.

She Hears/Says - (in a defensive tone) Well that’s what it sounded like to me.

Here is an example of mirrored listening minus the self-absorbed processing.

He Says - I’m pissed (with a slight pause)…the tree contractor no-showed me and did not even call…I wasted three hours waiting on them.

She Hears/Says - (He’s upset about the contractor not me...whew!)  That can be frustrating when people no-show.  I know another contractor that may can help, if you’re interested?

He Hears/Says: (Thanks for validating what I feel about the situation) That would be great if I could get the name of the contractor.  Thanks for listening to me rant.

“But that’s not what I meant,” will never go completely away, but the instances can certainly be reduced through learning mirrored listening.  Commit the communication components to memory:  Communication is 55% body language 38% tone and only 7% words.

When you become a better communicator so does everyone around you.  We are an impressionable group at any age and do learn by example.  Happy Communicating Y’all!