We’re Just Different
“When a boy does what he was designed to do, then the girl will do what she was designed to do.” - Rodney Williams
“Your purpose may not always be obvious, but always remember that you do have a purpose.” – Rodney Williams
How many times have we all heard boys and girls in a relationship say: “we’re so much alike…we like doing the same thing…going the same places…think the same…feel the same about things…” What a stretch that is, huh? All those things I just described are preferences rather than who we really are as boys and girls. The reality is that we are very different from each other. That is how the good Lord made us. Granted, as human beings we all have some of the same fundamental needs, but as a man and woman, we have different needs all together.
Recognizing the differences and working to meet and exceed the needs of your spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend, is where the learning opportunity is. The items below are my interpretation of our needs from Jimmy Evans’ book called Marriage on the Rock. As David told me after he read the book, listened to the CDs, and read my notes, “this stuff is so easy…why doesn’t everyone do it?”
Four Deepest Needs of Everyone
Acceptance – we all have the inherent desire to know we are loved, appreciated, and needed by others.
Identity – to know you are individually significant, special, and make a difference in this world.
Security – to know you are well protected and provided for.
Purpose – to know you have a reason for living. In the case of Christians, this means knowing that God has a special plan for your life.
Four Major Needs of a Woman
Security
A husband can do more damage than anything else in a woman’s life by not providing for her fundamental needs.
A selfless/sacrificial man is the number one thing that makes a woman feel secure.
A woman needs to know she has a protected and dependable source that meets her needs for the rest of her life.
She requires stability and security in a man.
Soft Nonsexual Affection
Women do not have affairs for sex but because they are emotionally starved. Men, remember your role in your woman’s life.
Just hold me, talk to me, listen to me, and touch me. These actions show/tell your spouse you are absolutely committed to them by being affectionate in a nonsexual way.
Verbal affection is critically important too. Talk with her; let her know how you feel about her, praise her for the joy that she brings to your life.
Compliments change a woman’s life and make her day so much better.
A woman needs to hear and feel affection.
A morning kiss, hug, and smile set the tone for her day and will make a difference.
Open & Honest Communications
Open communication is more important than sex to a woman.
Communication to a woman is not just the words but also actually connecting hearts.
Listen and talk with, not to, the woman in your life.
Be attentive when communicating. There is nothing more important at the time than what she has to say. Make sure she knows. PUT THE CELL PHONE DOWN!
Leadership
A woman needs to know that a husband is a loving initiator.
Leadership and active role with children.
Romance – the man should initiate – that is how we are designed.
Finances – want a husband to lead in the area of a budget.
Spiritual Matters – ensure God is in the relationship.
Four Major Needs of a Man
Honor
EGOs – men have large ones – that is just the way we are.
Women - allow him to fail without fear of ridicule or reprisal. Failure leads to an opportunity to grow and be a better person.
Honor him where you want him to be. He will grow and become a better person when he feels wanted and needed.
Cover his faults and reflect his strengths – when he makes a mistake, do not berate in and ridicule as that serves no useful purpose - men need praise and support – just part of their makeup. Again, egos make up a big part of a man.
Sex
Men are put in touch with their emotions through sex. Women are put in touch with sex through their emotions.
Women let him know you accept it.
Women will meet the needs in this area when a man meets a woman’s major needs as listed in the previous section.
Kindred Fellowship
A man wants to have fun with his wife. He wants her to be a friend, a lover, a spouse, a buddy.
Without friendship and sex, it is just a business relationship and doomed to fail.
Don’t become matronly. Men have one mother.
Domestic Support
Traditionally, the man is the breadwinner. He needs to know he is supported and appreciated for providing the home.
Support around the home.
Action Item – This is gonna be a good exercise. Take the needs as defined above; create a document for you and one for your significant other. Independently, review the respective list and highlight the areas where you think you are meeting or exceeding the needs of your significant other. Once you finish, get back together, and review both documents.
See if you have agreement in the areas you marked respectively. Congratulate yourselves for those where you agree. For areas where you see things differently, identify specific steps to take to meet or exceed the respective needs. Review the list with each weekly to see where you are at in the process. This is not a one-time exercise but one that should be ongoing as we all change, as we get older. Stay connected and embrace change as it is a great thing.
“When a boy does what he was designed to do, then the girl will do what she was designed to do.” - Rodney Williams
“Your purpose may not always be obvious, but always remember that you do have a purpose.” – Rodney Williams
How many times have we all heard boys and girls in a relationship say: “we’re so much alike…we like doing the same thing…going the same places…think the same…feel the same about things…” What a stretch that is, huh? All those things I just described are preferences rather than who we really are as boys and girls. The reality is that we are very different from each other. That is how the good Lord made us. Granted, as human beings we all have some of the same fundamental needs, but as a man and woman, we have different needs all together.
Recognizing the differences and working to meet and exceed the needs of your spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend, is where the learning opportunity is. The items below are my interpretation of our needs from Jimmy Evans’ book called Marriage on the Rock. As David told me after he read the book, listened to the CDs, and read my notes, “this stuff is so easy…why doesn’t everyone do it?”
Four Deepest Needs of Everyone
Acceptance – we all have the inherent desire to know we are loved, appreciated, and needed by others.
Identity – to know you are individually significant, special, and make a difference in this world.
Security – to know you are well protected and provided for.
Purpose – to know you have a reason for living. In the case of Christians, this means knowing that God has a special plan for your life.
Four Major Needs of a Woman
Security
A husband can do more damage than anything else in a woman’s life by not providing for her fundamental needs.
A selfless/sacrificial man is the number one thing that makes a woman feel secure.
A woman needs to know she has a protected and dependable source that meets her needs for the rest of her life.
She requires stability and security in a man.
Soft Nonsexual Affection
Women do not have affairs for sex but because they are emotionally starved. Men, remember your role in your woman’s life.
Just hold me, talk to me, listen to me, and touch me. These actions show/tell your spouse you are absolutely committed to them by being affectionate in a nonsexual way.
Verbal affection is critically important too. Talk with her; let her know how you feel about her, praise her for the joy that she brings to your life.
Compliments change a woman’s life and make her day so much better.
A woman needs to hear and feel affection.
A morning kiss, hug, and smile set the tone for her day and will make a difference.
Open & Honest Communications
Open communication is more important than sex to a woman.
Communication to a woman is not just the words but also actually connecting hearts.
Listen and talk with, not to, the woman in your life.
Be attentive when communicating. There is nothing more important at the time than what she has to say. Make sure she knows. PUT THE CELL PHONE DOWN!
Leadership
A woman needs to know that a husband is a loving initiator.
Leadership and active role with children.
Romance – the man should initiate – that is how we are designed.
Finances – want a husband to lead in the area of a budget.
Spiritual Matters – ensure God is in the relationship.
Four Major Needs of a Man
Honor
EGOs – men have large ones – that is just the way we are.
Women - allow him to fail without fear of ridicule or reprisal. Failure leads to an opportunity to grow and be a better person.
Honor him where you want him to be. He will grow and become a better person when he feels wanted and needed.
Cover his faults and reflect his strengths – when he makes a mistake, do not berate in and ridicule as that serves no useful purpose - men need praise and support – just part of their makeup. Again, egos make up a big part of a man.
Sex
Men are put in touch with their emotions through sex. Women are put in touch with sex through their emotions.
Women let him know you accept it.
Women will meet the needs in this area when a man meets a woman’s major needs as listed in the previous section.
Kindred Fellowship
A man wants to have fun with his wife. He wants her to be a friend, a lover, a spouse, a buddy.
Without friendship and sex, it is just a business relationship and doomed to fail.
Don’t become matronly. Men have one mother.
Domestic Support
Traditionally, the man is the breadwinner. He needs to know he is supported and appreciated for providing the home.
Support around the home.
Action Item – This is gonna be a good exercise. Take the needs as defined above; create a document for you and one for your significant other. Independently, review the respective list and highlight the areas where you think you are meeting or exceeding the needs of your significant other. Once you finish, get back together, and review both documents.
See if you have agreement in the areas you marked respectively. Congratulate yourselves for those where you agree. For areas where you see things differently, identify specific steps to take to meet or exceed the respective needs. Review the list with each weekly to see where you are at in the process. This is not a one-time exercise but one that should be ongoing as we all change, as we get older. Stay connected and embrace change as it is a great thing.
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