Can You Help Me Understand?

When I learned how to ask the question, Can You Help Me Understand, I found a new level of understanding.  Our tendency when someone tells us something that is unclear is to draw conclusions, maybe even get defensive, or make assumptions.  We really make it harder than it has to be sometimes.  It’s that old game of what I heard versus what you said.  When you ask the question, you can skip the game all together.

If you find yourself getting defensive about something, ask the question.  If you feel yourself drawing snap conclusions in your head, ask the question before you open your mouth.  If you sense assumptions cropping up, stand down for a second then ask the question: “Can you help me understand?”  That simple question can change the entire dynamic of a conversation or interaction.  Learn it and use it often.