Always & Never

You never help around the house!  You never tell me you love me!  Why are you always late?  You never listen to me!  You always complain about everything!  You will never be any good at anything!

Yes, the bold and exclamation points above are intentional, as I wanted to get your attention.  When was the last time you heard or used one of the phrases, or a variation?  Can you remember what you were feeling or the situation at that time?

Always and never are absolutes.  Politicians refer to them as sweeping generalizations.  Personally, I consider always and never a measure of time, a very long time.  I’ve seen references to statements beginning with always and never (with the exceptions of use in the math and science world) as just lies. 

In most cases I’ve experienced where I used or was the receiver of absolutes, the words typically lead to some type of challenge or confrontation.  Even when you are supposedly joking and say something like “you never buy me a beer,” that’s a passive aggressive jab, and the other party will notice it.

My common response to absolutes is: “Never is a long time.”  I can tell you what goes on in my head when I hear an absolute – ok, so in the entire time you have known me, I have always or never done or said insert subject.  Absolutes invoke a defensive stance for me, and I’m sure they do the same in everyone else.  Knowing that is my traditional response, I work to step back and try to understand why the absolute statement is being made.  What’s going on in the sender’s head and heart to make that type of sweeping generalization?  I find that pausing and stepping out of my boots and into the sender’s boots typically gets me to the real reason for the absolutes.  Understanding why the sender used the absolutes helps me become a better communicator, and being a better communicator makes me “more gooder.”